thank god it's fatal

That is a line from "Heretics" by Andrew Bird. I watched the Twilight movie today, and enjoyed it but not as much as the book. The line "thank god it's fatal" seems to summarize how Bella feels about becoming a vampire... she wants to die and become immortal. And when in New Moon (spoiler alert!) Edward goes to try to kill himself by provoking the Italian Mafia vampires, he's thinking the same sort of thing. In the end, eventually, life is fatal. And it's probably a good thing - do you really, really want to live forever? Each year would be barely meaningful at all - so much for living.

Another thing I wanted to share is how terribly awful a character Edward Cullen is. He's a creepy stalker, which is waaay more apparent in the movie (in the book you see his actions veiled through Bella's justifications). And he's so controlling and emotionally abusive... if not physically abusive (arguable). He wants Bella's blood, at least at first, and that seems like an unhealthy way to start a relationship. They end up becoming sickeningly codependent. Once Bella's a vampire, sure, the relationship is a lot more normal and healthy, but still, all that time in between. Jacob is so much better for her.... ugh. F*CK YOU EDWARD!!! Inspired by the previous lyric and my dislike for Edward, I wrote a poem from Edward's POV. (YES, I actually did this. Do with that what you will.). This poem is called "I would but I won't":

I would touch you but I can't
resist the thump-thump of
your weak little heart.
Don't let yourself get close
or my claws might come out
like a cat on the chase.

I would love you but I won't
since you're china-fragile
and I can't drop you or let
you break and shatter on
the floor. I need a fix of
your sweet drug sometimes
so I will keep you alive.

I will simply hurt you instead
because I'm fairly sure
my incisors would hurt worse
on your neck, and your heart
is the only wound I'll allow.

---

Damned sadistic bastard. Oh, and yes, I am addicted to TV Tropes thanks to that xkcd comic.

back then

Remember what it was like
when it was just a crush?
Every second with you
was tense and questioning.
Interpret every twitch,
pull inevitably closer,
step away at last.
Oh the awkward glances and sighs,
and the ‘does-he-like-me-too?’

Sometimes I wish we could step back to those days.
I love the closeness now,
but still I look back on the
almost-hug-pull-back-repeat
with fondness.

unwanted thoughts

there in your brain
it starts to flower again
though you pulled it out
once and for all.
but it has spread like a tumor,
malignant, fast, and terminal,
and there's nothing you can do but succumb.
you try to burn it
but it grows back,
and you rip it to pieces
but it is suddenly whole.

like any weed,
you have to pull out the roots
to the very last fibre
before it will stay away for good.

scent

tree flowers, originally uploaded by marichica88.

I breathe the scent of a spring night,
freshly cleansed with rain,
the air is fine and clear and sweet.
Is that honeysuckle on its lips?
This I delight in until -
woe of most misfortune -
I pass cigarette smoke
and my lungs reject it.
Finally that dreadful second
is gone -
and my nose drinks in
the sweet spring smell again.
It happily remembers
other times I've smelled this -
and then all of a sudden
my mind brings up your scent again.
I'm struck by the fact that it has not left me.
I can conjure it at will.
And then a smile steals my features
and I want to bury myself in you yet again.

America beckons

come back to me,
America says.
I have missed you.
I can't wait to feed you full of fat again -
if you get the runs,
it will be all the more endearing.
when the sun sets here,
she cries,
I wish you could see it.
marvel at my beautiful curves,
never mind that I grew several sizes
since you left.
I keep everyone safe.
Not literally -
only in the sense that they feel it.
I love you, I really do,
but at the same time -
I could care less.
So come back or don't.
Just don't leave me waiting.
I'm very impatient.

light up the sky with our fire

music videos, movies,
drilling the idea in my head:
I want to draw you into my arms
and kiss you like forever.
I don't need to draw a breath
if I can just breathe you.
In my mind,
let this never stop.
We will spread our love,
a blanket on the ground.
Laying on that blanket under the stars,
we will identify the constellations
and light up the sky with our fire.

sapling

fourteen months ago today...
an awkward kiss,
establishing contact,
my mind is running a thousand miles an hour -
what do I do now? can I touch him?
is he mine?
click online and ask.
are we? is this?

yes.
we planted a tree that day.

---

Happy 14 month anniversary!!!

love

Today I would like to share with you about a little thing I call love. I am in love. With Jeff Bergemann. He is a wonderful man. Here's something I told him on the subject:

Hey lovely. The first thing to say to you: Happy Valentine's Day!!!!!!!!!! It is a day to celebrate love - and I am in my own way celebrating our love (just by thinking about how wonderful it is). I went on a long walk with Tal (which is why I wasn't on when you were) and we talked a lot about relationships (mostly hers, she is having issues :( ) and the weather was absolutely miserable, the rain became freezing rain on the way back. Anyway, the point I am getting to is that I started saying things about our relationship and how happy it makes me and I thought I would share my thoughts with you. It's just that this relationship has moved at its own pace - and while, at least right before we were going out it was a bit slow, it has worked out excellently well. I feel like things happened as they needed to, as they were meant to if you want to put it that way, that it has felt incredibly natural. No, it's not perfect all the time - I am not always happy and that even means I am not always happy with you, but I have never been dissatisfied with our relationship, and it is almost always simply amazing. Tal mentioned that we just seem right together - and I agree. We are kindred spirits, I think, and the fact that we found each other never ceases to amaze me. I am always certain that your love for me is as strong as my love for you - and I know that sometimes you are not as eloquent about it as I am, but we can't all be poets. Neither of us are perfect - but I truly believe that none of our respective flaws is so great or annoying to the other that it makes our relationship any less strong. I can know this, because of the way we can spend whole days, weeks even, together all the time and not get annoyed with each other. We've been dating for nearly 14 months and we're not sick of each other. Perhaps it is not my place to speak for you in such a way - but I honestly believe I know you well enough to do so. Basically I'm just saying that this relationship is right. It's good, it's excellent, it's the best anyone could ever hope for - just look at the fact that many people do specifically hope for it. I couldn't ask for more than just to be with you - and yes, I am with you right now. Physical togetherness is not the important part at the moment. Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading my shouting of your praises and of our praises - I am sure you do, since I know that were I saying this to you in person you would be very quiet but you would have a big smile on your face. And you would exude your happiness and we would kiss and caress and all that beautiful excellence. So that's some Valentine-y stuff for you. I would love to celebrate it with you - but as it is we can be celebrating together in spirit, and celebrate together in not-too-terribly-long.

---

A poem which accompanied that message:

despite what I said

we are both poets.
but where I use words and fancy phrases,
you simply glance my way,
and your eyes write it out on my heart.
my commas are your kisses,
my periods your touch.
you hold me,
it is equal to a thousand stanzas.
I could write a book of verse
but it would never equal
the poetry in your body.

---

His response to said message and poem:

Wow, nothing brightens my day like getting an amazing message from an amazing person. I read the poem that goes hand in hand with and I must say, I'm going to have to do some pretty amazing things with my body since I can't express in words how wonderful it feels to have so much love and caring radiating great distances to reach me. Every time I read one of your poems I just block everything else out and it's just this intensely private wonderful moment. I love you, I love you so much if only I didn't need to rely on this inexact tool of words to express myself; oh the things you would feel.

---

There is much more to say about this subject. However, for now I will leave you with an image.

melt

I know I'd melt under the touch of your fingers too.
you wouldn't have too pierce the slight crunch
of the outer shell to the smooth center
to get me to yield to you.
in the mouth or in the hand -
I will melt so quickly,
because your mouth and your hands
heat me up so well.

my whole body and soul
ache to see you,
as the dawn aches to
meet the day.

I am running low on water,
dehydrating,
my desert thirsts for rain.

rain your love down on me.

honey

you are sweet as the honey
that your home-stay mother loves.
I will bathe in the rich gold viscosity,
and perhaps you will be tempted to lick it off,
inch by inch,
until you have bathed my body fully
and tasted every part.
then maybe you'll hold my body,
soaking wet,
until you're just as moist.
then you will breathe me in
and I will be in your lungs,
like so much of the rest of me is in your heart.

we are as one

"everything that touches us, me and you,
takes us together like a violin's bow,
which draws one voice out of two separate strings." - Rainer Maria Rilke



we are as one,
with one voice we call out to each other in the darkness,
speaking of how we miss the other.
perhaps in this time of absence we are slightly lost,
without the other there by our side.
we both hold the same feelings in our hearts, you and I,
for each other, and for so many things.
te quiero y me quieres,
como uno sentimiento.

some things I found that are true

"you are seventeen million miles away, you know.
i calculated it - one mile for everytime i missed you." - same ghost

And that's an understatement.

" Sometimes I get up early and even my soul is wet.
Far away the sea sounds and resounds.
This is a port.

Here I love you.
Here I love you and the horizon hides you in vain.
I love you still among these cold things.
Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy vessels
that cross the sea towards no arrival." - Pablo Neruda

My kisses float over the sea towards you. Towards the sunrise you see first.

And this last one... I found it in my heart.

The perfect picture to accentuate the following poem (written by me) is this.

My love can still reach you. You are never too far for that.

My kisses float over the sea towards you,
towards the sunrise you see first,
and the exotic land with which
you grace your presence.

Here I love you
with the strength of a thousand men
and I know it will pull you back eventually.
Here my heart still pounds
when they mention your name.
Here my dreams take me there,
to where you are awake,
because we are nearly in opposite time zones.

And the miles seem so far,
and I have only seen the Pacific Ocean
much further south than where
I would have to swim to reach you.

Boats can do it.
I cannot.
But my love can reach you,
taking no time at all.