Review: New Moon

2009
Directed by: Chris Weitz
Written by: Melissa Rosenberg and Stephenie Meyer (novel)
Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner

If you want to get the hots for a 17 year old kid, this movie's for you (I feel less creepy because I'm only 21 I suppose). Seriously... Lautner is really excellent looking in this and fabulously buff. RPattz's supposedly compelling pouty look is really getting annoying though, but at least we can giggle at the sparkle motion moments.

Enough about looks, let's talk about the movie itself. I thought it was a pretty good adaptation of the book on screen, and perhaps better than the first (Twilight). However, it was also often unintentionally hilarious. Slow motion Edward with his shirt blowing in the wind - hilarious. Tender moment with Bella and whoever - hilarious. Especially the 'serious' parts. There are some pretty dumb lines ("you're kind of beautiful") which if I recall correctly are close to what's in the book.

Perhaps I should be embarrassed that I actively loved the books when I was reading them. But I think the movies are terrible. Fabulously, hilariously terrible. So yeah, pretty much the most entertaining and enjoyable movie-going experience for me in a long time, perhaps ever, thanks to the girls I went with, Sarah and Katy, and the fact that everyone in the theater was a college kid and we were all laughing.

Grade: Too awesomely bad to grade.

thank god it's fatal

That is a line from "Heretics" by Andrew Bird. I watched the Twilight movie today, and enjoyed it but not as much as the book. The line "thank god it's fatal" seems to summarize how Bella feels about becoming a vampire... she wants to die and become immortal. And when in New Moon (spoiler alert!) Edward goes to try to kill himself by provoking the Italian Mafia vampires, he's thinking the same sort of thing. In the end, eventually, life is fatal. And it's probably a good thing - do you really, really want to live forever? Each year would be barely meaningful at all - so much for living.

Another thing I wanted to share is how terribly awful a character Edward Cullen is. He's a creepy stalker, which is waaay more apparent in the movie (in the book you see his actions veiled through Bella's justifications). And he's so controlling and emotionally abusive... if not physically abusive (arguable). He wants Bella's blood, at least at first, and that seems like an unhealthy way to start a relationship. They end up becoming sickeningly codependent. Once Bella's a vampire, sure, the relationship is a lot more normal and healthy, but still, all that time in between. Jacob is so much better for her.... ugh. F*CK YOU EDWARD!!! Inspired by the previous lyric and my dislike for Edward, I wrote a poem from Edward's POV. (YES, I actually did this. Do with that what you will.). This poem is called "I would but I won't":

I would touch you but I can't
resist the thump-thump of
your weak little heart.
Don't let yourself get close
or my claws might come out
like a cat on the chase.

I would love you but I won't
since you're china-fragile
and I can't drop you or let
you break and shatter on
the floor. I need a fix of
your sweet drug sometimes
so I will keep you alive.

I will simply hurt you instead
because I'm fairly sure
my incisors would hurt worse
on your neck, and your heart
is the only wound I'll allow.

---

Damned sadistic bastard. Oh, and yes, I am addicted to TV Tropes thanks to that xkcd comic.

I am so very very sorry

But it's true! I loved Twilight. I read it, or more like devoured it, insanely fast. I am already 124 pages into New Moon and so far it is making me a little angry. But Twilight also made me really angry. It's so bizarre to fiercely hate and also love a book all at once. The fangirl waiting to exist in me (hasn't she gotten her outlet, with the massive Neil Gaiman crush and all?) adores these books so far. They make me voracious for more. I love them after only one. It's an addiction. I really really want to know what happens and I really really want everything to be lovely. It was a lot like this with the audiobook for The Host (also Stephenie Meyer) except in that book I got really annoyed by the main girl because she was just so goddamned selfless - OH WAIT, oh my god, it's exactly the same with Twilight. Except at least in The Host there's not so much overwhelming obnoxious chivalry. The men are better.

The feminist in me (oh man, I don't think I've ever called myself a feminist before in so many words, but there you have it) cringes at Twilight for obvious reasons. It is never, never, never up to Bella. It's all mighty-man-Edward protecting her and making all the important decisions.

Another thing is the writing. Sure it's somehow strangely infectious and I think I am going into a little bit of withdrawal just from taking the time to write this... but other than that it's riddled with cliches and a lot of times absolutely terrible. I am too unfocused today to look up any specific examples but oh my god did you have to describe everyone's emotional response to eggs! For thirty minutes! Oh wait, that was The Host. Well, never fear, plenty of terrible stuff in Twilight, too. But of course, the story makes up for it. And there are flashes of good writing. That line "and so the lion fell in love with the lamb" is a nice, compelling take on a well-known metaphor.

Also, the part of me that is not just okay with the love stuff that my 15 year old self was happy with - you know, the grown woman with raging hormones part - is pretty unsatisfied with the lack of tearing of clothes. Though, I'll give Meyer credit, she does the whole sexual tension thing rather well. And there's even an excuse for it here, which I almost believe and not that it's written for too young an audience for the whole heaving bosoms thing and/or because the author is Mormon.

So anyway, I dislike Stephenie Meyer and yet love her at the same time. At least the book makes me feel something, quite strongly. I see that as highly positive! So ends my review. Read it, or don't, but expect to want more.