some ideas/thoughts

Lately I've been thinking about the future... maybe what I want to do and such. I still have no career ideas; kind of hoping I'll fall into something. I would like to look more into journalism. I've been meeting a bunch of people who have done some cool things that I sort of want to replicate. I met a Dutch guy working at the Canyoning company in Queenstown who was traveling NZ with his girlfriend, moving from town to town and working in each place for a month or 2. That sounds really kind of cool for a just-out-of-college thing. It would allow you to travel, but not have to go into major debt, and fund traveling without really settling down. I'm definitely not interesting in 'settling down' right away. That is not a comment about my relationship at all; I'd love to travel and work with Jeff, just like that Dutch couple. It seems like it could happen since he wants to travel too, and has no idea what he wants to do. I am aware that it is not a given that our relationship will work out, but I really want it to. I am feeling not as dependent on him, like if, God forbid, it didn't work out, I could maybe eventually be okay. I personally see this as a good thing. It does not mean I love him less, or don't want to be with him for the rest of my life - I absolutely do. But I think this study abroad experience has fostered a new-found independence in me. I felt independent before but I sure as hell always wanted, or even needed a boyfriend. I think I may have been more codependent in the past than I ever admitted to myself. However, I think things will work out for the best, really I do. I hope that means Jeff and I will stay together.

Anyway, I've had this fantasy of living and working in London for a while. I don't know why. Maybe it was the cool Brits I met. And I have been there, and I really liked it. I mean, I want to do something like it somewhere, and London sounds pretty rocking. Or maybe Edinburgh. Or Dublin. I dunno. I guess I'll just see what happens!

back then

Remember what it was like
when it was just a crush?
Every second with you
was tense and questioning.
Interpret every twitch,
pull inevitably closer,
step away at last.
Oh the awkward glances and sighs,
and the ‘does-he-like-me-too?’

Sometimes I wish we could step back to those days.
I love the closeness now,
but still I look back on the
almost-hug-pull-back-repeat
with fondness.

unwanted thoughts

there in your brain
it starts to flower again
though you pulled it out
once and for all.
but it has spread like a tumor,
malignant, fast, and terminal,
and there's nothing you can do but succumb.
you try to burn it
but it grows back,
and you rip it to pieces
but it is suddenly whole.

like any weed,
you have to pull out the roots
to the very last fibre
before it will stay away for good.

cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater

Today in my Gender Studies class we talked about cybersex. Among other interesting aspects of this phenomenon, we discussed cheating in the context of internet sex. Is it cheating if you're having erotic chat-room conversations with a hottie from Spain in the middle of the night while your significant other slumbers in the other room, for instance? You're not, after all, having physical sex of any kind. The floor was opened for discussion and one of the extremely outspoken women contended that it wasn't cheating if there was no emotional connection. The discussion continued with people agreeing with a particular conception of cheating, and it began to alarm me. I had to make the point that there is not an objective definition of cheating. What's cheating to me might be totally innocent to you.

For instance, the outspoken women said prostitution wasn't cheating because there was nothing emotional in it. However, to me, sexual infidelity is just as heinous as emotional infidelity (and believe me, it's pretty heinous in my estimation). Cheating, whether sexual or emotional, is a total dealbreaker for me. But what do I consider cheating? Well, for me it all depends on the situation when you get down to contested areas. However, there are definite lines for me - sex with someone else is crossing that line, whether we're talking about vaginal intercourse, oral sex, or mutual masturbation. I have a pretty broad definition of sex. However, I recognise that some acts can be completely innocent. A kiss or a hug isn't a necessary red flag, if it's given in friendship, or, say, for a theatrical performance. I (and Jeff too) was okay with giving Amy a peck on the lips to help her complete her goal of kissing 21 people for her 21st birthday. But anything more than a peck - yes, regardless of gender - would be pushing it. However, this is just my conception of fidelity. Clearly, not everyone will agree with me. What's important is that you agree with your partner, or at least agree to respect their conception of cheating, so that your relationship can be one of trust.

So what's acceptable and not for you?

but how do I make a difference?

The more I stay in school, the more screwed up I realize the world is. But the level of things wrong with the world is so massive that it is hard to wrap your mind around. Just to name a few problems: poverty, social inequality, structural violence, AIDS, pollution, the reliance on oil, and the US government (ok, that last one is kind of unfair: there are problems with plenty of governments, but I pick on the US because I live there and it is quite powerful). Looking at everything, you feel totally helpless and useless in the face of it. After all, I'm only one person. I can't single-handedly change the world. But it is quite apparent that doing nothing is not the answer. There are certainly ways in which individuals can make a difference. However, it is clear that you must pick your causes carefully. You can't, after all, help everything. Time and financial resources are limited. But how can you choose a cause? What should you give priority to? Not only that, but how should you choose to help? Unfortunately, any action intended to help may produce unintended consequences. No solution is guaranteed to not actually make things worse. So what do you do, as you attempt to be a decent, moral human being? What is your obligation?

For instance, say I chose to give a portion of my (nonexistent) income to a charity (this is just theoretical). Let's say I gave to an organization that gives food aid to a starving nation. It is certain my input, however meager, will matter in someone's life. However, what about the consequences of food aid? It can put local farmers out of business, encouraging them to stop farming. Then, more food aid is required. This is not a good solution - we can only give so much. It can make the people who receive it economically worse off than they were before. One thing that can happen is that people with more power and who don't need it get the food and then sell it to the people who can't afford it in the first place. Clearly, this is quite problematic.

That's just the problems with one thing - but again, how do I rank what's most important? What is most pertinent to me, or what will help the most amount of people?

Should I become a vegetarian, helping to stop animal cruelty and reduce the harm I do to the environment? Should I give to a charity (I am least inclined to do something like this)? Should I sponsor a child in Africa? Should I help raise money for cancer research? Should I volunteer at the animal shelter? Should I become a teacher, helping to educate people and encourage them to make a difference as well?

The more I learn about the problems with the world, the harder it is to feel like a decent human being who is doing all she can to help. I am not entirely satisfied with my current contribution to society. Of course, I can write it off as "I'm a student, I can help later." Sure, I have done a lot of volunteering throughout the course of my 20 years. But is it enough? How hard should I be on myself? All these questions are on my mind at the moment.

My first motorcycle lesson

I decided to finally take my mom up on her offer for motorcycle lessons today. I was using the little Honda Rebel. I started by learning all the controls, how to turn it on, a few other essentials. I then put in first gear without giving it any throttle and let out the clutch a bit until I could walk slowly with it. I gradually let it go a bit faster but continued to keep my feet down. It was unexpectedly really fun and I thought, I wanna go fast. Ha, that shouldn't be a surprise, since the same thing happens to me when I get on a jet ski... in a car... etc. On a horse, too. Anyway, I liked it and I want to learn more.

An eerie scream in the night...

I was at Jeff's house last night, and just falling into sleep, when a noise put up the hackles on the back of my neck (well, I would have hackles if I was a cat or dog, anyway you get the point). It was like a fairly long scream, like that of a child, ending in what sounded like a cross between laughing and crying. My eyes snapped open wide at that. The screams continued a few more times, but were moving further away. My mind thought 'probably a fox' but that didn't stop my heart from hammering and my hand from shaking as I switched on the light. I slept with the bathroom light on the rest of the night... Today I did a quick search on Youtube for "red fox noises", and sure enough, I found a video that's fairly similar to the noise I heard. Wikipedia says red foxes' vocal range are very large, so it's quite likely it could've made such a bizarre noise. The point is, red foxes are creepy at night, but cute in the day.



Also, perhaps I shouldn't be so paranoid about noises in the night? They're usually animals or just the regular noises of houses (which I still jump at occasionally when they're particularly loud or weird).