Thursday, November 6, 2008


I am waiting with bated breath until we are together again. It is less than two weeks now. The time in between will stretch out and twist and snap up and be gone in an instant. But that's just the way time works. It flows in big, full pools and then speeds through narrow canyons. I navigate it as I can. Images flash across my mind: holding your hand. Holding you in my arms, and pulling your lips to mine, and everything melting into one. I have stored your scent in my brain and I call it to mind when I am thinking of you. It is attached to many emotions.

I see your face in my mind so often, and it gives me butterflies. I watch a romantic movie and I just want to hold you so tight. This waiting, this anticipation... it will make the actual reunion so full of love and emotion and desire. I know, because it happened last time. I will be giddy with the renewed newness of us. I won't be able to believe that I have something so precious, that is already mine, and I will cherish it. I cannot wait to hold you.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

some ideas/thoughts

Lately I've been thinking about the future... maybe what I want to do and such. I still have no career ideas; kind of hoping I'll fall into something. I would like to look more into journalism. I've been meeting a bunch of people who have done some cool things that I sort of want to replicate. I met a Dutch guy working at the Canyoning company in Queenstown who was traveling NZ with his girlfriend, moving from town to town and working in each place for a month or 2. That sounds really kind of cool for a just-out-of-college thing. It would allow you to travel, but not have to go into major debt, and fund traveling without really settling down. I'm definitely not interesting in 'settling down' right away. That is not a comment about my relationship at all; I'd love to travel and work with Jeff, just like that Dutch couple. It seems like it could happen since he wants to travel too, and has no idea what he wants to do. I am aware that it is not a given that our relationship will work out, but I really want it to. I am feeling not as dependent on him, like if, God forbid, it didn't work out, I could maybe eventually be okay. I personally see this as a good thing. It does not mean I love him less, or don't want to be with him for the rest of my life - I absolutely do. But I think this study abroad experience has fostered a new-found independence in me. I felt independent before but I sure as hell always wanted, or even needed a boyfriend. I think I may have been more codependent in the past than I ever admitted to myself. However, I think things will work out for the best, really I do. I hope that means Jeff and I will stay together.

Anyway, I've had this fantasy of living and working in London for a while. I don't know why. Maybe it was the cool Brits I met. And I have been there, and I really liked it. I mean, I want to do something like it somewhere, and London sounds pretty rocking. Or maybe Edinburgh. Or Dublin. I dunno. I guess I'll just see what happens!