more on cheating

My friend Maya's sex column from last week was about cheating. Here is my response to it:

A further, interesting consideration is how to define cheating in the internet era. More info, from a class I took in New Zealand, is in an earlier post.

It seems that our feelings about cheating is maybe one of those things that stems back to evolutionary pressures – that’s what they told me in one of those intro psych classes, anyway. It was once important for people not to cheat, because women need someone to provide for them and their offspring, and men need to pass on their genes. It may no longer be important in a biological way, since sex doesn’t necessarily lead to pregnancy anymore. However, it’s still hardwired in our brains that cheating is wrong, it’s bad and harmful. And it is definitely emotionally harmful for most people. It’s still something a lot of people fear when in a relationship, and those kinds of things are hard to change.

But there’s another reason why cheating can be problematic, and that’s the spreading of STIs. If a partner cheats, and doesn’t use a condom, he or she may have contracted a disease. The other partner may not be concerned about STIs if it’s a monogamous relationship, so if the cheating partner doesn’t confess, the STI can be spread. Of course, this is not much different than the risk you take if you don’t know a partner’s sexual history, but you can see how it has potentially damaging consequences.

cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater

Today in my Gender Studies class we talked about cybersex. Among other interesting aspects of this phenomenon, we discussed cheating in the context of internet sex. Is it cheating if you're having erotic chat-room conversations with a hottie from Spain in the middle of the night while your significant other slumbers in the other room, for instance? You're not, after all, having physical sex of any kind. The floor was opened for discussion and one of the extremely outspoken women contended that it wasn't cheating if there was no emotional connection. The discussion continued with people agreeing with a particular conception of cheating, and it began to alarm me. I had to make the point that there is not an objective definition of cheating. What's cheating to me might be totally innocent to you.

For instance, the outspoken women said prostitution wasn't cheating because there was nothing emotional in it. However, to me, sexual infidelity is just as heinous as emotional infidelity (and believe me, it's pretty heinous in my estimation). Cheating, whether sexual or emotional, is a total dealbreaker for me. But what do I consider cheating? Well, for me it all depends on the situation when you get down to contested areas. However, there are definite lines for me - sex with someone else is crossing that line, whether we're talking about vaginal intercourse, oral sex, or mutual masturbation. I have a pretty broad definition of sex. However, I recognise that some acts can be completely innocent. A kiss or a hug isn't a necessary red flag, if it's given in friendship, or, say, for a theatrical performance. I (and Jeff too) was okay with giving Amy a peck on the lips to help her complete her goal of kissing 21 people for her 21st birthday. But anything more than a peck - yes, regardless of gender - would be pushing it. However, this is just my conception of fidelity. Clearly, not everyone will agree with me. What's important is that you agree with your partner, or at least agree to respect their conception of cheating, so that your relationship can be one of trust.

So what's acceptable and not for you?